i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Randomize
