White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
