chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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