cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
