Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
