i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
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