I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
