I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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