my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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