I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
