i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
