someone threw a dead crab at me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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