This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
