im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
