I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
