I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
