if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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