He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
