his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
