just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
