Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
