The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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