I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer