if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
