I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
