Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
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Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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