you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
