the new term for farting is butt boxing.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
