i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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