I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
