Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sober January is a disaster.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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