I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Semen is not good for contacts.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
