they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
