I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
