Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
