So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
