Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
