my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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