oh god the rape fog is back!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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