Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
