my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
