It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
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for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
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He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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