Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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