Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
