I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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