Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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