Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
