can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Congratulations! We have a period
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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