why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
