There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
