wanna go halves on a baby?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
