Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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