Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
