Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
