I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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