my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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