Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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