I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
