Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
